Weirdo Whisperer-Part I

Sorry, I've been neglectful and waited a week to update on last week's dates.  Sometimes time allows for the right words to accurately describe what a person has encountered.

Anybody seen Robert Redford's "The Horse Whisperer?"  You know...before Scarlet Johanson had boobs?  If not, my aunt can give you a full description of the "crisp, white snow" and the "beautiful, strong-legged horses" "agghh!!! Montana!  It's so beautiful!"  Well I'm a self-described "Weirdo Whisperer."  (If the horse parallel is still lost on you then think Cesar Milan "Dog Whisperer").

I tend to find the most socially inept person in the room and antagonize them.  Instead of exploiting their anxiety, I end up employing their deepest emotions and set the stage for a period of mild obsession.  Oddly enough, I will entertain the idea of going out with them and possibly sucking face.  I mean totally sucking face.

Well, last Thursday I went out with one of these said individuals.  Since he pushed our drink(s) date back to 9 p.m., to have dinner with his parents, ugh, I took it upon myself to drink 3/4 of a bottle of wine before arriving.  I was dreading the date because it was encroaching on my bed time and the emails we had shared had been less than stimulating.  Maybe because they were all about his family?

In an effort to "get it over with," I arrived at 8:55.  This is really early for me because I'm always late.  After downing three tall drafts and berating him with boring, interview-esqe questions,  I was chalking this up to a first date only.  Much to my surprise, he invited me back to his house for drinks and pool.  Drunk, bored and probably looking for a make out, I lamely said "Or we can go to my place.  It's closer but I don't what we would do."  For the first time all night, he made direct eye contact with me and said "massages."  That word normally makes me more uncomfortable than the experience of puberty, but do you know what I said back to him?  "Oh yeah, and probably a hand job too."  What.the.hell!

After much hemming and hawing, I was following his Mercedes SUV up Livernois to Rochester Hills. But not before calling my roommate, Robyn, to ensure someone else was the last to hear me alive.

When we arrived at his place, he gave me a tour.  It was a typical east side, Persian Palace, probably decorated by his mom and sister.  I wasn't too keen on his pet cat either, that would nestle up to his Gucci tennis shoes...gag.

We proceeded to play two extremely quiet and, to be consistent with the theme of the night, uncomfortable games of beer pong.  Just picture me, in a skirt, chasing ping pong balls around, careful not to expose my crotch.  The only noises in the room were the balls hitting the rims of the cups and loud swallows of beer.

I won twice.  Well, someone had to maintain a level of testosterone!  We retired to the living room upstairs for an episode of Tosh.O...and some spooning.  Yeah, I know, it felt like college date night.

At this point I was tired and had lost the will to resist him anymore.  Sigh.  We sucked face and I agreed to stay the night to avoid drunk driving.  OF COURSE, he sleeps in the nude and asked if it was OK.  What he should have asked was "is it OK to make a sexual advance on you?" I laid frozen on the edge of the bed before slipping downstairs to sleep for the remainder of the evening. 

In the morning he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and said "last night was fun."  What?!  I hadn't heard from him until Tuesday evening when he sent me a text "Want to come over and keep me warm tonight?"  I wanted to say "may be if you didn't sleep naked, you'd be able to keep warm."

This post will continue with Parts II "38 year old boy wonder with aspbergers" and Part III "Single. White.Gay?"

-Kath1226

What the...?

I apologize for not being prompt with my updates, considering I had dates on Thursday and Saturday.  However, I'm still at a loss for words when it comes to accurately describing what I experienced.  The the following message left me further dumbfounded.  I will say Thursday night's date didn't lead on that he was like the gentleman below.

I'm thinking an appropriate response would be "if you are in to butt acne and varicose veins...let's do this!"

"ok then are u ready?spontaneous open mind
Are you spontaneous and open minded? Hello;) You sound fun, so if the butt & legs match that smile lets chat and hook up. You sound fun. So if you are spontaneous and open minded ,I’d love to chat and hook up .I'm a fun, erotic ,open minded, single Greek/Italian ,
{Feel free to call or text. if I miss you leave a return}.
Jerry: 586-404-2721
My Y.I.M is xxgucci4now2u"

-Kath1226

Thank You Notes

A little over a week ago, I actually went on a pretty fantastic date.  Remember, "Let's definitely do this again soon" and a friend request?  Have I heard from him?  Um...not exactly.

Any creature with the slightest amount of estrogen (for me personally, I'm overloaded with estrogen, mood-swinging emotions this week) will analyze the question "why didn't he call" until…well, until the next guy doesn't call.

Many moons and a couple jobs ago, I used to haul up in a shielded corner of "Barnes and Noble" during my lunch hour and read "Why He Didn't Call You Back" by dating coach, Rachel Greenberg.  Please, this wasn't nearly as depressing as it sounds.  There was no weeping, chocolate or sweatshirts with cats on them.  I sought this book out for two reasons 1.  My job at the time was making me homicidal, so why not exacerbate that feeling and read about why men haven't called me back 2. Greenberg was featured in an article of one of the 20 or so fashion magazines I read and, mind you, never get a subscription for.

In her book, Greenberg conducts what she calls "Exit Interviews" of more than a 1,000 males after their first date.  If you do a simple search of this author or "Why He Didn't Call You Back," time and again you will find these Top 3 reasons why he didn't call or what will make him NEVER call you back.

Pay close attention to number three:

Reason #1: The Boss Lady
His perception: He’d rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think he’s intimidated by your success, he’s thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

Your reality: You’re confident, forthright and successful, but he can’t yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess
His perception: You’re looking for a “Perfect 10”: the guy’s who’s a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks you’re high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe you’re interested in a nice lifestyle, though it’s not your only priority. But he’s jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (you’re guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him “What’s your favorite hotel in St. Bart’s?” you should ask “What’s your favorite little neighborhood café?” When the waiter inquires whether you’d like tap or bottled, don’t order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass…}

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins
His perception: You’re pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think you’re a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, he’d rather do the chasing.

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work you’re rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Don’t say, “Let’s do this again sometime”—that’s his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first date—do absolutely nothing to follow-up (don’t even check to see if he’s logged into his online dating profile). He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he’s interested.

Recall, I mentioned last Monday's date friended me on Facebook which, per the advice of my blunt, loose-lipped, male friend, Tim, is a "total bon*r move."  Of course I sweated it out, didn't accept his request until after the noon hour and deliberated heavily over my next move over lunch with Meg.

I followed the request with a THANK YOU.  Most men reading this are probably doing the exact same thing I did when I read the above reference to "Sadie Hawkins"; slapping their foreheads with their hands or yelling "c'mon!"  Another article with related content even said a gesture of this sort showed desperation on the girl's part.  Whoops, probably true!

Oh, did I mention I may or may not have texted him on Monday? He did text me back, but the last response didn't warrant further conversation.  Chant with me now (BVB insert slow clap)...fail, fail, faiL, faIL, FAIL, FAIL, FAIL!!!!!!

No Strawberry Fields forever.

Tonight is a late date with "I can't get off my mom's teet", 28, Rochester Hills. Text from him at 1:21 p.m. "I'm excited to meet you tonight:)"  Ugh, now I know how the Ginger Kid felt when he read my "thank you" note.  Tomorrow is coffee (gut rot) with a professor, 31, Royal Oak and Saturday's dinner with the Italian, 38, Plymouth, which will round out vintage week.  DISCLAIMER: 28 and 31 are exclusive of vintage week.

-Kath1226

Astrology

I'm a Capricorn, hence Kath1226.  Out of curiousity I checked my monthly horoscope.  In the past I've done this and, in hindsight, the prediction(s) was spot on.  It's also been useful in a dating capacity. The below portion I found to be slightly unsettling.

"Uranus will be in hard angle to the Sun and moon at the time of the eclipse December 21, suggesting that a clear communication will be in short supply. It also suggests that something you wrote or said could come back to haunt you now. Don't write anything in email or social media that you wouldn't want the world to see, because at this eclipse, everything will become public."

Hmmm....you may find me shaving my head, ridden with anxiety, on the 21st.

-Kath1226

Vintage

I love aged pieces; wine, dresses, furniture and, yes, men.  There's nothing like a good ole' silver fox.  Most people would agree that men age better than any woman.  They become more distinguished and self-confident with time.  It's "vintage" week on Meg Made Me Do It. 

The first "experienced" suitor I went out with was tonight, a 44-year-old, federal attorney from Royal Oak. 

We went to Flemmings in Birmingham.  The suggestion made me nervous.  What if he arrived and thought "From the neck down...no way" and stuck me with the bill?  Assuming the tab would put me in the red right before rent is due.  So, I would be broke, single and still under suspicion with my parents at Christmas.

I arrived early, which allotted time to ensure my short skirt was covering the girdle portion of my tights, and you ask, "why is she single?"  Then...he ARRIVED.  His body followed his collagen-injected lips.  Anyone ever seen Bravo's "Flipping Out?" I spent approximately 2 hours with Jeff Lewis's twin.  Most of my time was devoted, when not drinking 3/4 of the wine, determining if he had had a face lift.

He "quenched" his "lust for some meat" (direct quote) while I picked at some salmon and filled up on Pinot Noir.  Truthfully, I think he was hoping I was lusting for some meat.  He made many straight-forward sexual comments and/or references. One being "Have you ever had a lesbian encounter?"

The date ended with the bill in his hands, garlic breath and a rushed goodbye at the valet stand. He followed with these words of advice: "Time is of the essence. You have a lot of men to meet yet."

Thanks...Dad.

This 60's and 70's flashback will end on Saturday with an Italian man from the old country (in more ways than one), 38, from Plymouth.

Ciao for now.

Kath1226

The Lions are Really Awful

Yesterday marked the full first week of this new venture. I will admit, there are times where I wouldn't mind trading places with Morgan Spurlock and eating McDonald's at every meal for 30 days instead. 

Or have I already done that?

At least an Egg McMuffin or, if I lost the will to live, a McRib wouldn't say "you're(or your) my kind of girl" and "I have a great sense of humor" or hope that I'm "having a great week."

On an uplifting not, I had a pretty wonderful time on my date with Strawberry Fields last night.  Oopsth, skipped out on drinks with Scott(?), 29, Royal Oak.

He gave me a tour of Detroit (didn't dump my body!) and ate my last taco...that I prepared for him. What?!  We had dinner in Mexican town!  The setting in my driveway, when he dropped me off later that night, was perfect for a make out...rain, steamy car, Steve Wonder playing (yes, he knows where I live and work and I know where he lives and works).  Sadly, I'm not Molly Ringwald and it didn't happen.  But, our parting words were "let's definitely do this again" and friend request from him on Facebook followed 30 minutes later.  I don't know about him, but I'm ready to mate. 

Oh, and, did I mention I'm being stalked by one of the Lions?  I want to believe it's someone pretending to be him.  But, wouldn't they pick someone more notable or better looking than Dan Gerberry?  After receiving this second message from him, found below, I think I'll politely say "no, thanks" and forgo the chance at Lions' season tickets.

"Ok heres my deal. Im not sure how to get your attention and respond to me but i guess ill tell you about me and then you can keep not given me a chance or you can. Im dan, im a 25 year old guy who lives up here in detroit. I play football for a living with the lions. Im originally from youngstown ohio, and i went to ball state. I graduated with my bachelors in education. And the most important thing about me is that im pretty awesome. Sooooo if theres anything else you want to knwo just ask. Im just tryin to meet a nice girl up here. All the girls i meet think im something that im not. Let me know"

-Kath1226

Weekend Roundup

It was a two-date and a lot of pizza kind of weekend.  Friday night hosted the big date with the Hoff.  Are big dates usually two hours?  Yes, the date with the Hoff, 32, of Plymouth ended with "if I don't talk to you before Thanksgiving..." and an ass-out hug.

I think I've dated enough to know that he won't be meeting my parents.  Despite being the ideal mate of the "good on paper" variety, the in-person effect was dry and unmoving.  After trapsing around Royal Oak to find an open place, I could probably find more information about him lurking on his Facebook profile for 15 minutes, than over the two drink maximum we shared together.  Fortunately, the waitress with a bad perm and pleated-front khakis offered more awkwardness than any lulls in our conversation.  He did, however, discretely lick his teeth a few times...did I have lipstick on my teeth?  Or maybe he left early because I wasn't capitalizing on his sexual innuendo?

This afternoon was spent, well, an hour and a half of it, with an engineer, 33, of West Bloomfield at the Franklin Cider Mill.  The conversation flowed with ease, but more like straight guy with high school girlfriend turned lesbian.  When he made eye contact his face looked very startled too. Is it my haunting good looks?  Or the booger I neglected to check after my shower?  Or his love for numbers?  Or seeing his future children in my eyes?  After my abrupt end to the date, of throwing my empty drink container in the trash, we got in our cars and drove away and out of each other's life.

This week may prove to be an interesting start to Thanksgiving.  Drinks tomorrow, better check his name again, and possible dinner date with a ginger on Tuesday (I actually really, really love Strawberry Fields, so eager for that lad).

Was telling someone "wearing my wedding dress and drinking wine" last night via IM, when asked what I was doing, in bad taste?  Thanks to GanMan for the idea.

-Kath1226