Thursday, December 9, 2010

Weirdo Whisperer-Part I

Sorry, I've been neglectful and waited a week to update on last week's dates.  Sometimes time allows for the right words to accurately describe what a person has encountered.

Anybody seen Robert Redford's "The Horse Whisperer?"  You know...before Scarlet Johanson had boobs?  If not, my aunt can give you a full description of the "crisp, white snow" and the "beautiful, strong-legged horses" "agghh!!! Montana!  It's so beautiful!"  Well I'm a self-described "Weirdo Whisperer."  (If the horse parallel is still lost on you then think Cesar Milan "Dog Whisperer").

I tend to find the most socially inept person in the room and antagonize them.  Instead of exploiting their anxiety, I end up employing their deepest emotions and set the stage for a period of mild obsession.  Oddly enough, I will entertain the idea of going out with them and possibly sucking face.  I mean totally sucking face.

Well, last Thursday I went out with one of these said individuals.  Since he pushed our drink(s) date back to 9 p.m., to have dinner with his parents, ugh, I took it upon myself to drink 3/4 of a bottle of wine before arriving.  I was dreading the date because it was encroaching on my bed time and the emails we had shared had been less than stimulating.  Maybe because they were all about his family?

In an effort to "get it over with," I arrived at 8:55.  This is really early for me because I'm always late.  After downing three tall drafts and berating him with boring, interview-esqe questions,  I was chalking this up to a first date only.  Much to my surprise, he invited me back to his house for drinks and pool.  Drunk, bored and probably looking for a make out, I lamely said "Or we can go to my place.  It's closer but I don't what we would do."  For the first time all night, he made direct eye contact with me and said "massages."  That word normally makes me more uncomfortable than the experience of puberty, but do you know what I said back to him?  "Oh yeah, and probably a hand job too."  What.the.hell!

After much hemming and hawing, I was following his Mercedes SUV up Livernois to Rochester Hills. But not before calling my roommate, Robyn, to ensure someone else was the last to hear me alive.

When we arrived at his place, he gave me a tour.  It was a typical east side, Persian Palace, probably decorated by his mom and sister.  I wasn't too keen on his pet cat either, that would nestle up to his Gucci tennis shoes...gag.

We proceeded to play two extremely quiet and, to be consistent with the theme of the night, uncomfortable games of beer pong.  Just picture me, in a skirt, chasing ping pong balls around, careful not to expose my crotch.  The only noises in the room were the balls hitting the rims of the cups and loud swallows of beer.

I won twice.  Well, someone had to maintain a level of testosterone!  We retired to the living room upstairs for an episode of Tosh.O...and some spooning.  Yeah, I know, it felt like college date night.

At this point I was tired and had lost the will to resist him anymore.  Sigh.  We sucked face and I agreed to stay the night to avoid drunk driving.  OF COURSE, he sleeps in the nude and asked if it was OK.  What he should have asked was "is it OK to make a sexual advance on you?" I laid frozen on the edge of the bed before slipping downstairs to sleep for the remainder of the evening. 

In the morning he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and said "last night was fun."  What?!  I hadn't heard from him until Tuesday evening when he sent me a text "Want to come over and keep me warm tonight?"  I wanted to say "may be if you didn't sleep naked, you'd be able to keep warm."

This post will continue with Parts II "38 year old boy wonder with aspbergers" and Part III "Single. White.Gay?"


Monday, December 6, 2010

What the...?

I apologize for not being prompt with my updates, considering I had dates on Thursday and Saturday.  However, I'm still at a loss for words when it comes to accurately describing what I experienced.  The the following message left me further dumbfounded.  I will say Thursday night's date didn't lead on that he was like the gentleman below.

I'm thinking an appropriate response would be "if you are in to butt acne and varicose veins...let's do this!"

"ok then are u ready?spontaneous open mind
Are you spontaneous and open minded? Hello;) You sound fun, so if the butt & legs match that smile lets chat and hook up. You sound fun. So if you are spontaneous and open minded ,I’d love to chat and hook up .I'm a fun, erotic ,open minded, single Greek/Italian ,

{Feel free to call or text. if I miss you leave a return}.
Jerry: 586-404-2721
My Y.I.M is xxgucci4now2u"


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thank You Notes

A little over a week ago, I actually went on a pretty fantastic date.  Remember, "Let's definitely do this again soon" and a friend request?  Have I heard from him?  Um...not exactly.

Any creature with the slightest amount of estrogen (for me personally, I'm overloaded with estrogen, mood-swinging emotions this week) will analyze the question "why didn't he call" until…well, until the next guy doesn't call.

Many moons and a couple jobs ago, I used to haul up in a shielded corner of "Barnes and Noble" during my lunch hour and read "Why He Didn't Call You Back" by dating coach, Rachel Greenberg.  Please, this wasn't nearly as depressing as it sounds.  There was no weeping, chocolate or sweatshirts with cats on them.  I sought this book out for two reasons 1.  My job at the time was making me homicidal, so why not exacerbate that feeling and read about why men haven't called me back 2. Greenberg was featured in an article of one of the 20 or so fashion magazines I read and, mind you, never get a subscription for.

In her book, Greenberg conducts what she calls "Exit Interviews" of more than a 1,000 males after their first date.  If you do a simple search of this author or "Why He Didn't Call You Back," time and again you will find these Top 3 reasons why he didn't call or what will make him NEVER call you back.

Pay close attention to number three:

Reason #1: The Boss Lady
His perception:
He’d rather hire you than date you. He perceives you as argumentative, controlling, overly independent, and not feminine or warm. While you think he’s intimidated by your success, he’s thinks you have a prickly attitude and imagines that snuggling with you is like hugging a porcupine in a pin-striped business suit!

Your reality: You’re confident, forthright and successful, but he can’t yet see those great qualities behind your tough demeanor. Try showing your warm, sensitive side first by talking about your adorable nephew or your volunteer work at the animal rescue shelter. And definitely change clothes after work into a flirty skirt instead of staying in that power business suit.

Reason #2: The Park Avenue Princess
His perception: You’re looking for a “Perfect 10”: the guy’s who’s a 5 on the looks scale with $5 million in the bank. He thinks you’re high maintenance, superficial, or a gold-digger.

Your reality:You can take care of yourself. You enjoy spending what you make. Maybe you’re interested in a nice lifestyle, though it’s not your only priority. But he’s jaded by all the gold-diggers he dated before you (you’re guilty until proven innocent). So instead of asking him “What’s your favorite hotel in St. Bart’s?” you should ask “What’s your favorite little neighborhood cafĂ©?” When the waiter inquires whether you’d like tap or bottled, don’t order the Evian; one glass of city water (almost) never killed anyone! {Tip: squeeze a little lemon in your glass…}

Reason #3: The Sadie Hawkins
His perception: You’re pursuing him. You sent him a thank-you email after your date, and immediately he knew you liked him. He may even think you’re a little desperate. Deep down, he feels deflated because when he likes a woman, he’d rather do the chasing.

Your reality: That thank-you email was a show of good manners, not a subtle hint for him to ask you out again. At work you’re rewarded for taking initiative, but with guys you have to let them reach out first. Don’t say, “Let’s do this again sometime”—that’s his line. This is one time in your empowered, take-charge life when you have to sit back and wait after a first date—do absolutely nothing to follow-up (don’t even check to see if he’s logged into his online dating profile). He’s a big boy and knows how to contact you if he’s interested.

Recall, I mentioned last Monday's date friended me on Facebook which, per the advice of my blunt, loose-lipped, male friend, Tim, is a "total bon*r move."  Of course I sweated it out, didn't accept his request until after the noon hour and deliberated heavily over my next move over lunch with Meg.

I followed the request with a THANK YOU.  Most men reading this are probably doing the exact same thing I did when I read the above reference to "Sadie Hawkins"; slapping their foreheads with their hands or yelling "c'mon!"  Another article with related content even said a gesture of this sort showed desperation on the girl's part.  Whoops, probably true!

Oh, did I mention I may or may not have texted him on Monday? He did text me back, but the last response didn't warrant further conversation.  Chant with me now (BVB insert slow clap), fail, faiL, faIL, FAIL, FAIL, FAIL!!!!!!

No Strawberry Fields forever.

Tonight is a late date with "I can't get off my mom's teet", 28, Rochester Hills. Text from him at 1:21 p.m. "I'm excited to meet you tonight:)"  Ugh, now I know how the Ginger Kid felt when he read my "thank you" note.  Tomorrow is coffee (gut rot) with a professor, 31, Royal Oak and Saturday's dinner with the Italian, 38, Plymouth, which will round out vintage week.  DISCLAIMER: 28 and 31 are exclusive of vintage week.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I'm a Capricorn, hence Kath1226.  Out of curiousity I checked my monthly horoscope.  In the past I've done this and, in hindsight, the prediction(s) was spot on.  It's also been useful in a dating capacity. The below portion I found to be slightly unsettling.

"Uranus will be in hard angle to the Sun and moon at the time of the eclipse December 21, suggesting that a clear communication will be in short supply. It also suggests that something you wrote or said could come back to haunt you now. Don't write anything in email or social media that you wouldn't want the world to see, because at this eclipse, everything will become public." may find me shaving my head, ridden with anxiety, on the 21st.